“I search, I struggle, I am in it with all my heart.”
It’s a fragment from one of Vincent’s letters to his brother Theo that deeply resonated with me. When I recently visited the Van Gogh Experience, my brother-in-law said:
“What kind of nonsense is this? Why not just go to a real museum and see a real Van Gogh?”
He didn’t understand me. As the only creative person born into a conventional family, I quickly became the odd one out, the strange duck in the pond, the black sheep. But that never stopped me from following my own path. My parents insisted on a solid education that would allow me to earn a living, so art school was out of the question. The graphic design college was… sort of acceptable.
So while I earn my living during the day with graphic design, DTP work, and websites, in the evenings I turn into that creative mind that lets her brain wander into unexpected ideas.
“I try more and more to be myself, and care less about whether people approve or disapprove.”
I was fifteen when I wrote a school thesis about Van Gogh. I don’t even know why I chose him, because I’ve always said I’m a huge fan of Monet, Degas, and Renoir with their romantic impressionist paintings. For the cover of my thesis, I painted Vincent’s self-portrait myself.
Now, years later, that memory suddenly resurfaces as I once again paint a self-portrait of Vincent for my new children’s book, in which Alisa and Adeline fall into a painting and must find their way back.
What is it with Van Gogh, I wondered, while stubbornly trying once again to recreate his painting. His style seems so simple, so rough, something that never really attracted me in his work. Unlike the impressionist paintings, where everything was painted with such refinement and fragility.
“I feel a power within me to do something, and I know that I must do it.”
When I first enter the “Experience,” I felt a little disappointed. His paintings are cheap prints on light panels. Here and there I can read some information about him on the boards next to the paintings, things I had long forgotten. Is this really all of the famous experience? Was my brother-in-law right?
But then I push aside the curtain and walk into an enormous hall.
I am literally walking inside one of his paintings. The film keeps playing and while I sit there speechless on a bench, looking around me, I hear his quotes, his story, and finally see a real photograph of him.
In that moment, I feel so seen and understood by someone. This man understood it.
“Sometimes it is difficult, but one must keep working. The road is long, but the work itself is the reward.”
After the experience, I’m led through another curtain into the next room. Here, the VR headsets are hanging. When I put one on, I suddenly find myself standing in the square that I not long ago drew for the new Alisa and Adeline book.
WOW. Just WOW.
I look around me and the painting is everywhere. I walk through a door and suddenly I’m inside the café. I wish I could take photos, but that’s impossible in a virtual world.
The journey takes me from the café to the wheat fields, through nature and the woods. I try to hold on to this moment forever. It was truly something special. This feels like how Alisa and Adeline feel in my newest book. How amazing is it that my new story aligns so perfectly with this experience. This is exactly what I wanted to write about when I started the book.
“I know nothing with certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.”
Not much later I, quietly and deeply impressed, walk out of the Experience again. This man has left a mark on me, his struggles, his love for nature, and his ability to capture that on canvas.
I often doubt my own illustrations, my own stories, my own abilities. Especially because the people around me don’t always understand it. But as I walk outside, I realize again: I will keep going, because it gives me joy. I do this for myself and no one else. I keep going, because with every attempt I get a little better at what I do. I keep going simply because there is so much creativity inside me that stopping is not an option.
The book Alisa & Adeline – Framed! will be available soon.
